The early morning hours of October 25,2009 were the happiest hours of my life. My husband Ivan and I had planned to get pregnant from the time we met. We married on December 24,2008 and on Feburary 15,2009 we learned we were pregnant with our first child. At first we were told we were having a boy but an ultrasound at 30 weeks revealed we were actaully having a girl. We was thrilled!! On October 23,2009,my due date, my labor was induced and at 2:21am on October 25,2009 our beautiful 8lb. 6 1/2oz. Savannah Rain Corley was born via an emergency c-section. She was beautiful. Absolutely perfect in every way. I finally got to meet and hold my new wonderful daughter at around 10 am the next morning. Little did I know that in 1 short week later my world would fall apart.On the night of November 2,2009 Ivan and I went to bed around 3am due to the fact Savannah was a little constipated and we did'nt want her going to sleep all bound up. The doctor said put some caro syrup in her bottle and it will help with the constipation. At 2:30am it did. We laid her in her bassinet but Savannah did not want to be alone so I laid her,as I always did during the day, next to me in bed and proceded to breast feed her til she fell alseep. She fell sleep not long after and so did I. Now I was a VERY light sleeper and knew that when she was hungry again she would wake me as always was her way with her traditional cry at the top of her lungs. I never woke because she never cried.At 6-6:30am on the morning on November 3,2009 I wkoe to find that Savannah was not breathing and was cold to the touch. I woke my husband and told him to call 911. I immedatiely began infant CPR and did not stop til the ambulance arrived and the paramedics moved my out of the way.I was taken to the hospital in the SUV that the head paramedic drives and my husband followed in our truck. After arriving at the hospital after what seemed that a trip that took forever, I was lead
to a room were the doctor told me that my little perfect little girl was no longer with us. She was 1 week and 2 days old.Some 5 minutes later Ivan walked in and I had to tell him his baby girl was gone. My heart broke as he enveloped me in his arms and we cried. Shortly there after my parents arrived as did the pastor who had married Ivan and me in December. We don't know why Savannah died. There is not a cause of death yet. All we know is we miss her and love her very much. We are still her parents and we will always hold her in our hearts, if not in our arms. She is forever our "Lil' Peanut".

We love you and miss you Savannah Rain. May you rest in the arms of the angels now.

I married the love of my life, Sean, on June 1st 2008. We left the next day for a dream vacation to Hawaii. We both knew we wanted children soon and had not used precautions to prevent a pregnancy, but were still somewhat surprised to find that we were pregnant by the end of June.

Everyone thought that our baby was a boy, just by guessing, and my husband wanted nothing else. I held onto a secret hope that it would be a little girl. In October we found out that she was a girl! Soon pink blankets, onesies, and booties filled our house. On February 16th,2009, labor was induced and a beautiful, healthy little girl was born after just 5 hours and 15 minutes of labor. She was 6 lbs. and 14 oz. and had a gorgeous head of dark brown, curly hair. Seeing my husband with her for the first time was amazing! He could not hold back the tears or the immense pride he had for his little girl.

We named her Kennedy Brielle. She continued to amaze us with each new discovery and pound gained.  She loved to eat and was growing right on target, or so her pediatrician told us. She was meeting all of her developmental tasks and was even putting weight on her legs when we would hold her up at 2 months. Life was perfect though messy, and we felt so blessed by God each day. We had such a happy baby, who cooed, squealed, smiled and gurgled frequently.      

May 25th, 2009, I came home from work and greeted Kennedy. She was just waking up and smiled when she recognized my face. I fed and changed her and then laid down to take a nap with her. Normally she would wake me when she was hungry, but I never woke that day, as she never cried. When I woke I checked on her, not knowing the time and found her body lifeless and pale. She wasn't breathing.

Being a nurse, I immediately began infant CPR, but to no avail. I called 911 and continued CPR until the paramedics arrived but I knew deep down that she was already gone. My husband was at work and I couldn't imagine how I was going to tell him that his princess was no longer with us! Several police officers were at our home and a chaplain was called. I definitely knew now that there was no hope of saving our babygirl. I was panicked and restless and in such despair. How could I ever live without my baby? My husband too shared the deepest grief he has ever experienced, but remained a strong support and comfort to me.     

We don't have the answers and continue to miss our little girl desperately, but are putting our trust in the one who does know all things, and will place Kennedy back in our arms one day!  We feel blessed to have been given the responsibility of caring for such a precious angel, even if for 3 short months. She touched so many lives as we saw when we held her memorial service and received the hundreds of sympathy cards and gifts.  We are taking it one day at a time and holding on to each other through our grief. I remind myself constantly that God is in control of all things and I cannot see beyond my own small picture. We would encourage anyone who shares our belief in God to please pray for us as we are changed by the turn in our life we have experienced. 

Email Laura

Pretty in pink. That's how Craig and I looked my first mother's day. I was five months pregnant, having thought I'd worked through my apprehension about being pregnant, and Craig's mother had sent us matching pink shirts. One of my first real maternity shirts! One year later there weren't enough Kleenex to wipe away the tears as I listened to a wise woman tell me that even though I didn't have a child in my arms didn't mean I wasn't a mother. Those words didn't make me feel better at the time. We had lost our first son Zackery seven months earlier to the price of birth trauma. There were no other children to divert my attention to, Craig had developed the notion that since I wasn't his mother he didn't need to acknowledge mother's day in the first place, and beaming mothers wearing corsages and relishing in the love of their children surrounded me. With the faithful Kleenex in hand, I spent my first mother's day playing our last minutes with Zack over and over in my mind. Embracing our son as his life slipped away and then, doing the hardest thing I've ever had to, laying him back down in the isolette and walking away.

How could I ever find happiness again? How could I possibly ever stop hurting? How could my broken heart ever mend? How could I ever forgive myself for not being able to do the one thing a woman was supposed to be best at, having healthy babies? How could I ever forgive my own mother for being unable to give me the comfort I needed and requiring comfort from me instead? "Unfortunately my questions weren't answered until many unhappy years later when I discovered the only way to answer them and become a whole person again was to forgive. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made in the past that kept me from accepting Christ's forgiveness and realizing Zackery wasn't taken because God was punishing me. He'd forgiven me years earlier the very first time I cried out in anguish begging for forgiveness. I had to forgive myself for not being a "woman" and God himself by recognizing that God didn't take Zackery. God was chastely loaning him to me to open my eyes and heart to His mission. I had to forgive my mother for not being there for me and for not being the mother I wanted her to be.

Having other children helped me to grasp that the little boogers don't come with instruction manuals so you have to punt and do the best you can. Punting required me to analyze the lessons I'd learned from my own parents. Newsflash!!! We all run from the haunt of ghosts in our past; getting rid of them requires a different timetable for each of us. What an eye opener! Gosh those life lessons can really be a blow!

Phew, it was a long journey but I can finally say that Mother's Day is now a day of joy for me. I now cherish the memories of Zack's final moments of life thankful that I at least had moments that others do not get. The death of a loved one who knows Christ is joyous because I know they are holding my precious son until I join him in heaven and can hold him again. Those wonderful, beautiful love-made gifts from my boys are accepted with tears of joy now instead of tears of anguish. I can finally place my arms around my mother and I truly mean the words "I love you" when I say them. But most of all I now believe, with all my heart, the promise God gave us by way of a little prayer bear. Psalm 91:11 - For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone…"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him, for he acknowledges my name."

My wife came to me one day and asked if I would go to a meeting with her. As most men would do I said NO! She came back and asked me again and maybe one more time and as most men, I finally decided that would be the only way to get her off my back. I thought to myself “I will go, keep my mouth shut and maybe the time will pass quickly�.

The night came and I went as promised. I had already made up my mind I would not get anything out of the meeting and after one meeting I would be off the hook. The meeting was for the women folk. They are the ones that need to talk and show emotions and all that junk. I am a man and not only didn’t need that junk but didn’t want it either. I was thinking all the way to the meeting that there was gonna be a bunch of women crying and carrying on.

When we arrived it was two guys and a bunch of women. The nightmare had started just as I had thought. Then we had to go around and tell everyone who we were and all that women stuff. I had a name tag on, wasn’t that good enough? “Keep it short Craig!� I introduced myself and looked to my left as to say “It’s your turn�. Then it started. Here came the water works. All those women were telling their story and cryin. Man oh man, I didn’t think I could take much of that.

Well, my story was that my first little buddy Zack died when he was 11 days old. We never got to take him home, he died in the hospital. WHY? What had I done? Man I did not know how to handle that at all. So I did what any warm blooded man would do. I did nothing. You see when stuff happens, guys think they have to fix it, whatever it is. And when we cannot fix it then we just shut down. That’s what guys are supposed to do, fix it. It couldn’t be fixed so I just did nothing. I tried to put it out of my mind. Guess what? That didn’t work either. I did not discuss Zack with anyone, ANYONE. I could not fix him so I failed. Guy’s hate failure, we do not take it well so we just do not discuss it. For sixteen years I did not discuss Zack with anyone.

Then all the sudden I was sitting in that meeting with one other guy and a bunch of women and I start talking. My mind told me “SHUT UP�. My heart told me “it’s time to get some things off my chest�. I don’t know exactly how long I talked but I was blubberin more that any two women in the meeting.

To answer the question “What does Glory Babies mean to me�? I do not know if you can put it into words. Do you have any idea how much hate one can build up in sixteen years? Do you know how black ones heart can become? Do you know how far apart a couple can become? I shut out someone that I love more than life itself. I ignored what should have been the most important part of my life. We had two beautiful boys later but I missed a bunch of stuff in their life because my priorities were so screwed up it was not funny. After sixteen long years I was able to finally talk about Zack. I realized that night what I had done to my family and was none to proud of it.

So to sum it all up in one sentence I would have to say Glory Babies did more for me than I ever did for them. I made some wonderful friends that I will never forget. I was able to clear the air. I was able to become closer to my wife and realize how much I really love her. I think I was even able to become closer with my two buds, Ben and Jacob. But most of all I think I was able to come closer to God. You see, for sixteen years my hate was aimed at the one person that loved me more than anyone on Earth. I did not want to give up my first son but God gave up his only son for me, and you. I was lucky. He gave me two more sons to love and cherish. So, Glory Babies actually put me back on the right path and allowed me to clean and clear up my heart. How do you put that in words?

Just a little background……I had my daughter Taylor when I was 18 years old and unmarried. Three years after I had her I wanted another baby so bad, but I wanted to do it the right way. I wanted to have a child in the right order…..get married, then have a child. In December 2002, I got married to the man of my dreams, Jeremy. In February 2003, we found out we were pregnant with Jackson. As with every baby, Jackson was wanted SO much. It was so amazing having him. Even though he did put up a fight, 27 hours of labor finally ended in a c-section. He was 9 pounds 7 ounces; big boy, with TONS of hair. He had to have a haircut almost once a month. It grew so fast!! He looks just like his daddy. He learned so much in his short 5 months here. In fact, the night before he passed away, he finally rolled from his tummy to his back.

On March 26^th, at 7:45 am, I dropped my son Jackson off at his daycare. His daycare provider is my best friend’s mom who does daycare in her home. Jackson always goes back down for his morning nap about 8:30 am. I got to work at 9:00 am and immediately got the news. Cheri, Jackson's babysitter, went to check on Jackson 20 minutes after he went down for a nap and he was not breathing. She immediately called 911 and then my husband. My husband had taken that day off to do landscaping in our front yard. He was only 10 minutes away. Jeremy, my husband, rushed over to the house to see Jackson. The police and fire department would not let him in the house. They had to care flight Jackson to Children’s Hospital (we lived in Dallas, Texas). I work an hour away and my boss' wife rushed me to the hospital. When we pulled up to the hospital and I ran into the ER, I heard the helicopter land. At that moment, when I heard the helicopter, I wanted to scale the building and run and grab my son. This could not be happening to me; this kind of stuff does not happen to me or my family. All of our family members and friends were there at the hospital for us. I have no idea how long we were in the ER. I had lost all track of time since the moment I got the phone call.

They were able to get a heartbeat, but the doctor told us it didn't look good. Once Jackson was stable, Jeremy and I were able to go in and hold his hand and kiss him. It was so hard to see my beautiful baby boy hooked up to every machine and poked with every needle; but I knew all of that was to help him. His temperature was 88 degrees. Once he was stable enough, they took him up to the ICU. The doctors came and took my husband and I into a room and gave us the news; my son was brain dead. He then used a bunch of big medical terms. We had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide to let our son go or let the doctors do everything they could to keep his little heart beating; but that eventually, in a couple days, he was going to pass. We couldn't do that to our son. Our son’s body had already gone through enough and he needed to be with his Heavenly Father.

Once my husband and I made that decision to let Jackson's spirit go, the hospital let us get his hand print and foot prints and let me cut a lock of hair. I have the hair from his first haircut and I have the hair from his last haircut. Jackson has an 8-year-old sister, Taylor. Jackson thinks his sister is the funniest thing in the world. Taylor was able to participate in helping get his hand and foot prints. When we were ready to take him off the machines, my husband, my daughter and myself were able to hold him as he passed away. I was able to rock him one last time. I have no idea how long we were in that room and I don't know what time he passed, but it seemed we were in there for a lifetime. The doctor told us his heart would beat for a little while after they took him off the machines. They did give him some morphine to make sure he wouldn't experience any pain. The doctor came back in the room, sometime later, and checked for a heartbeat. He then let us know that he has passed. He said the time, but I didn't hear anything at that moment. I will never forget how sweet and how peaceful my baby looked when he passed away. This has been very hard on my husband and I and Taylor. It was so hard to come home to Jackson's things all over the house and the dirty bottles in the sink.

Jackson was the healthiest happiest little boy. God sent him to Jeremy and me to take care of for 5 months. Jackson is my little Angel now.

*Jackson passed away due to SIDS.

 

On May 21, 2001 I was 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I had a doctor's appointment to check my blood pressure and I had planned to finish the baby room. The baby's room was done in Noah's Ark. We finished the room and then my mother-in-law Doris helped me with dinner. I went to bed at 10:30 p.m. I woke up at around 2:15 a.m. with my hips hurting. I also had an uncontrollable urge to use the restroom. Not knowing my water had broken, I called Doris and told her I was not feeling good. She instructed me to call the doctor. My doctor was out of town so the doctor on call called back and advised me to take a Tylenol and try to rest. I wish it had been that easy! I called Doris again and by that time I was having a bloody show. She said she was on her way. I felt I was contracting, but wasn't sure. After arriving at the hospital, I realized I was having back labor. The nurse told me, "You're not in labor. You probably just have an infection." When I was checked for dilation, at around 4:00 a.m., the nurse said I was dilated to 5 cm. I was well on my way to delivering Caleb.

On May 22 at 6:00 a.m., Caleb Richard Buess made his way into this world, weighing 5 pounds, 11 oz. and being 19 inches long. He was here and it was all worth it! I heard him cry. I talked to him and we took pictures. Then he had to go to the nursery to be checked out. Around 2:10 p.m., we were able to hold and welcome Caleb into our family and we enjoyed every minute! Caleb had the most beautiful blue eyes, dark hair, and blonde sideburns. I called him my "hunka-hunka-burning-love". I hadn't slept and was very tired, so at 11:00 p.m. the nurse came and got Caleb. I was afraid if he cried I wouldn't wake up.

On May 23 at 12:00 a.m., the pediatrician came in and said, "Please sign this form because we need to send your baby to Children's Hospital in Dallas." Something was either wrong with his heart or his lungs. I called our parents and we all watched as Caleb fought for his life, not knowing after being resuscitated what kind of life that would be. My husband and I moved to the side, away from our family, looked at each other and both agreed that we didn't want Caleb to hurt. If God's answer was taking him home to be with Him, then we wanted him to go. At 3:45 a.m. we said goodbye to Caleb Richard. My heart sank; I felt as if I had died too. I was so upset! Why had God given me just 22 hours? Why not years? But the Lord knew exactly what He was doing. He has worked in so many ways to bring me closer to Him. He has helped me understand why I believe in Him and in Heaven. The song that gets me through a bad day and always will is "I couldn't ask for more." I know that one day I will hold those precious fingers again and sing Caleb the sweetest lullabies a Mommie can sing.

Autopsy showed Caleb had a Congenital Heart Defect. He was missing the Aortic Valve.

All too often we try and force events to come out a certain way. I know I am guilty of that. We want to be in control, assured that what will come is what we planned. This is not what I planned. And just that mere fact, the realization that my plan is not the most important, that there is a plan larger than I can see, provides more comfort than I ever expected.

If you asked me in November of 2002, I would have told you that I had an almost perfect life, and most certainly a blessed one. I had a job I loved, a great husband, and two perfect children: Sydney Anne, then 15 months, and Samuel Keith (Sam), then 2 months. Little did I know what the passing of that month would bring. December began, and my perfect life rapidly began to crumble right in front of me. My husband told me that he had realized that the family-man lifestyle was not the life he desired after all and that he wanted a divorce. Just before Christmas he moved out of the house we had bought together. It was a hard blow to me. But I rallied for the sake of my children, whom I adored, and we had a happy Christmas. The new year began, and I hoped that it would begin better than the last year ended. I honestly did not think it could be worse.

I was so wrong.

It happened on the cold, frosty night of January 3rd. My three-month-old baby boy, my Sam, went to sleep for what was supposed to be a short nap. It was a nap he never awoke from. I was in the room, five feet from him, when it happened, though I didn't know it. I went to wake him and there was no response. It was one of those surreal moments that turned into the most surreal night of my life.

I began CPR and called 911. They arrived so fast and worked so hard the entire way to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, there was an entire team of people ready and waiting for us. They, too, tried to bring back my Sam. But God had already taken him. Sam was already sitting with the angels even as I held him for the last time. I held him, trying to memorize every feature, trying to give him enough hugs and kisses to last me the rest of my days. I can, with all honesty, and without hesitation, say it was the worst moment, the worst night of my entire life. It was my rock bottom.

I know that God never gives us more than we can bear. I believed that when my husband left. And I clung to that after I lost my Sam. I decided that God must have a high opinion of me to give me such burdens. The first time I had that thought was almost two weeks after Sam's death. It was one of those thoughts that flashes through your mind so fast you hardly have time to think it and have to actually stop and mentally rewind to really understand it. I did that. And a gleam of comfort began to shine through the gloom that I had thought would hang over me forever. It was not a miraculous recovery. It was not even a small recovery. But it was a beginning. All things have a beginning, and this was mine.

They don't know why Sam died, so they are attributing it to SIDS. I still cannot fully wrap my mind around the idea that a perfectly healthy baby could die for no reason. However, that part of my mind that wonders why is given an answer from the other part that holds fast to my faith. I tell myself (quite literally, out loud sometimes) that Sam did not die for no reason. His presence here for those precious three months had a purpose. I don't know what that purpose was, and I don't know if I am ever supposed to know. Because it was not my plan, and that comforts me. It is God's plan, and I don't have to know what it is. Sam, you see, was my angel. But God only loaned him to me for a little while. Now He needs him back.

Sydney misses her brother. She asks for him every day. We look at photographs and I talk about Sam to her. I want her to grow up knowing her brother. The life he was granted by God was short, but unforgettable. I think my favorite quote is "death is God's way of telling us that he learned all the lessons he was supposed to learn, and now is welcoming him home." We all have our own lessons to discover. Sam was just a fast learner.

Life was so perfect. We had our dream house, a wonderful marriage and a beautiful little girl, Kendall. On December 12, 2002 our perfect life was made complete. After a troublesome pregnancy we were given a wonderful surprise- our son, Kolton Riley (named after his grandfather).

He was a beautiful baby, perfect in every way. He had fat cheeks, blonde hair & blue eyes and just loved to be held. We knew Kolton was our last child- because of difficult pregnancies that cause health problems. I have just about every complication know to pregnancy- but my babies are so very beautiful. We didn't know he would be a boy- so it was a wonderful surprise. We now had a precious little girl and a beautiful baby boy--Our life was perfect.

Those 3 weeks and 4 days were great-- We were tired; especially me because Kolton just loved to be awake most of the night--eating. He gained 3 pounds in those 3 weeks...he loved mommy's milk!!

January 5th, 2003 was a perfect day-- It was a gorgeous, sunny day-- We all went out to eat lunch and then spent the day at the zoo. It was a great family day. That night, we went to bed in our usual place (on the couch) so he could eat when he wanted. Kolton didn't like his bassinet, so he slept next to me, cradled in my arm. He nursed at 3:30am and we went back to sleep. When I woke up at 6:15am, he was gone.

I don't know what told me something was wrong, but it did. I got up and he was lying next to me; he looked like he was sleeping so peacefully. His eyes were closed, he was warm, and his skin so beautiful and pink. Within seconds I knew my perfect world was crashing down. I screamed out for his daddy, he came in & called 9-1-1. They were there within minutes. I had started CPR (being a pediatric nurse came in handy; but it was also a bad thing, I knew too much). During CPR, I opened Kolton's little eyes- and it was then that I knew he was gone. Daddy was optimistic- the mommy part of me was optimistic as well--It seemed like a really bad dream. I have never prayed so hard. Each breath I gave to him may as well been my last--I know babies die, but not MY baby.

I continued CPR in the ambulance while they got everything ready- then we rode to the hospital---everyone was so kind, but I knew.… I told his grandma Sharon that we really needed a miracle at this point- and I prayed we would get it. The ER doctor & staff worked very hard on him. I know now, looking back, that they couldn't do anything- but I appreciate their efforts. His pediatrician, who is also my boss, never left our side. He prayed with us, he held Kolton when we just couldn't, he hand carried him to the morgue and told him goodbye. I can honestly say it was the worst day of our lives...So many lost hopes and dreams

Kendall loves her baby brother so dearly- She still asks when is he going to come back from Heaven. She says how she misses him and longs for him. We send balloons to Heaven so he can play with them (He has quite a collection). She has dreamed about Kolton and she is so very excited when she wakes up ...I am not sure if it is a dream, or if he just comes to visit her to help her understand that he is OK. She told us, after a dream, that he was in Jesus' hands- she saw him. We all know Kolton is in the best hands anyone could be in- God's hands.

Dear precious Kolton,

It has only been a short time since you left us- but we have great comfort knowing where you are. You will never hurt, you will never want for anything, feel pain, heartache or have to live with the problems and worries of this world we live in. Everything you know is so beautiful and perfect that we cannot even imagine. We will see you and hold you again one day- WE KNOW THAT and it brings us peace.

We will never forget you- you will forever be with us...we planted a tree in your honor so we can watch it grow. Near it is a garden stone that reads..."Don't cry because it's over...smile because it happened" I try to do just that- we are so blessed for the joy and happiness you brought to our lives in those 3 short weeks...I know God has a plan for us all and He will reveal it with time--We may never understand why- but with God on our side and in our hearts we will smile because you happened and try not to cry because it's over.

We will love you forever,

Mommy, Daddy and Kendall

KATIE'S MISSION IN LIFE
After a few visits to a doctor in Tyler, we were sent to a neo-natal specialist at Parkland Hospital in Dallas. After numerous and detailed tests were performed, we learned that our Katie had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (hole in the diaphragm). This caused her liver and intestines to move up into her chest cavity, squeezing her heart to the left side, inhibiting left lung development.

My Doctor, who was kind and attentive, wanted to be very cautious with this diagnosis so we could be prepared for Katie's arrival. I was continually monitored for possible changes. We also had a pediatric cardiologist, who determined that Katie had all 4 chambers of her heart. This was wonderful news. However, we were still unsure about her lung development. My Doctor had arranged for an entire team of neo-natal specialists to be prepared for Katie's expected arrival, on Apr 15, 2003. Everyone had already fallen in love with this little girl. At this point in my pregnancy, she had already beaten the odds of survival. We had obstetricians, pediatricians, a pediatric cardiologist and a pulmonary specialist ready in preparation for Katie's arrival.

On Feb.14, 2003, however, my blood pressure became elevated and the doctor could not stabilize it. This was causing more harm to our Katie. A decision was made to induce labor, making Katie's unexpected deliver premature. We knew then that Katie would have to be in the NNIC unit for a while, until she was stable and strong enough for surgery to repair the diaphragm. On Feb.15, 2003, at 9:23am, Katie Rene' entered this world "screaming", as newborn's do, but only weighing 2 pounds and 12 ½ oz. She was her daddy's first child and she was already making him a very proud father. She was so strong, but at the same time, so very fragile. Every specialist on the "team" was there to welcome our Katie. It wasn't long before everyone was attached and doing everything they could to help her. We all admired our little girl's fight for life.

Katie's strength gave her daddy time to drive home and get our camera, so we could have pictures of her. Since she was in the neo-natal intensive care unit, I was unable to be with her 24 hours a day. Instead, John would visit Katie during visiting hours and bring back pictures for me to enjoy. On Feb.16, 2003, at 2:35pm, Katie managed to pull her breathing tube out. The doctors were unable to replace the tube or stabilize her vital signs. John and I decided this was Katie's way of telling us she was tired and with her message delivered, it was time for her to return to be with God. Katie stayed strong long enough to show us that she loves us and for me to be by her side. Katie accomplished everything she was sent to do. So with her mission accomplished, Katie returned to God on Feb.16, 2003.

God gave her to us and this world for only a brief moment in time. Katie touched so many lives during my pregnancy and for her 29 hours of life. She gave her daddy something that he can always remember, the touch of his daughter's hand. Katie took with her a lot of love and many hearts. So now, everyday, we remember that God loaned us a small child for a short time, to bring a very big message, in a very small, but powerful package, named…. Katie Rene' Holden.

On January 10, 2002, I was induced into labor at around 6:30am. At 12:35pm we were blessed with the birth of our daughter, Amy Jo Johnson. She was just perfect; healthy with reddish-blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful skin, the most heart-melting look in her eyes and Mommy’s long toes. Through the next 4 months, she continued to grow and grow. She had one of the most infectious laughs I’ve ever heard. Other than a slight upper respiratory infection in April, she was perfectly healthy.

But on May 7, our lives were changed forever. I dropped little Amy off at a dear friend of mine so that I could go to work, which was the first time I was leaving her with someone. I was assisting with an MRI on a dog an hour away. When we got back into the car, after the procedure, I got the most shocking message from Jim (my husband) telling me that our beautiful daughter was in the ER and wasn’t breathing. She had gone down for a nap at around 8:15 and when my friend went to check on her at 8:30, she wasn’t breathing.

My boss drove as fast and safe as he could to get us to Round Rock. On the way, I first called our pastor, Steve Clem, so that he could go be with Jim at the hospital until I could get there. Then I called my dad, who was four hours away, so he could start driving. I called my closest friends too. I think I already knew that Amy wasn’t going to make it. Unfortunately, I knew timelines for lack of oxygen and I knew it had already been too long.

I remember saying “God, this isn’t really happening. Please let me wake up. This can’t be real. This is just a horrible nightmare“. But I also remember praying, “God, it is in Your hands. I am leaving it up to You. Do Your will, but please give me the strength to go on and to be able to handle it, whatever the outcome is�. I remember asking Him to protect Amy Jo, love her and keep her safe until I can see her again in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I can remember that horrible feeling as I walked into the ER. My insides sunk. When I got to the trauma room, I knew she was gone, for sure, but they were still working on her. It had already been about 2 hours from the time 911 was called. They had an infant specialist team coming from the children’s hospital in Austin. I remember asking them “Why aren’t you stopping? She’s already gone.� I could feel that she was gone. It was almost upsetting because they wouldn’t stop. I just wanted that part to be over.

Once the specialty team arrived and assessed everything, they did finally let her go. Amazingly, the EMT that had been doing chest compressions on Amy, the whole time she had been in the ER, didn’t want to stop. He had to be physically removed and restrained by the doctors and other staff. That was so touching to me and I still remember that moment very vividly. He was having a hard time letting her go, too, even though she was “just a patient�. We have continued to stay in touch with him, Cole Rich, and another nurse that was also caring for Amy, Laura Sievers. When we found out about our third child being a boy, we were able to pick the first name pretty quick, but we really struggled getting a middle name. Through some brainstorming and remembering Amy, it came to us: Jacob Cole. When we looked up the meanings of the names, Jacob, the one who follows after, and Cole (from Coleman), the little dove, we got the one who follows after the little dove. How appropriate! This gave us a way to honor him for his passion and emotion that day. We didn’t tell him of our name plans until he came to visit me and Jake in the hospital, after delivery. We wanted him to know how much we appreciated his dedication to our daughter’s care, even though she didn’t make it. It truly blessed me to see how much even perfect strangers were affected by that precious little angel.

The evidence of that kept coming in the next several days after her death, through an outpouring of love and support from our church and friends. We met people at her funeral, that we didn’t even know, who had been touched by her in some way. Doctors, nurses, firemen, paramedics, and police officers showed up too. Way more people were there than we ever expected. It was standing room only at the funeral home. She had truly blessed a lot of people with just her presence and her cute little smile.

I can’t describe to you what it is like to lose your child, it is too difficult to put to words. However, I can try to tell you what it is like to have God carrying you through such a difficult time. To be able to get out of bed, eat and sleep every day was God’s work for a while. I could feel Him making my legs move and making me take each breath, when all I wanted to was just lay in bed and cry. I trusted Him to help me do what needed to be done to get through that grueling first couple of weeks. I realize now that I was submitting to Him and most of all, I trusted Him. I now understand how important it is to turn everything over to Him and to trust Him to do His will.

After her death, we searched in our area for a support group. We never found a group that was specific to our needs as parents who had lost an infant unexpectedly to SIDS. I started researching on the internet. We tried a SIDS group in San Antonio, but because it was not a Christ-centered group, it was not a good place to live with the hope of seeing our little girl again. Others at the group were holding on and having a real hard time letting go. I can’t blame them because it is hard to say goodbye to your baby, but they didn’t seem to have a hope that they would ever see their babies again. We felt empathy for the others there who just couldn’t let go of the anger and sadness. We continued to try to find grief support locally, to no avail. We were truly blessed with a wonderful church family and group of friends that were there for us, no matter what, through the reminiscing and through the tears. We would not have made it through that time without them. They were our reminders that God’s will would be done and that He never leaves or forsakes us. They also helped us see how much of a blessing little Amy Jo was to so many people.

I had the desire to start some kind of support group. I had gone to The SIDS Alliance, but in order to start one of their groups, I had to have a licensed therapist to facilitate, and I couldn’t base it on Christ. I had absolutely no idea even how to begin. I finally gave up and just tried to keep busy.

On Amy’s first birthday, we planted a tree at our church, Pflugerville Community Church. We surrounded it by a flower garden and Austin stone, the same used to complete that church building in September 2002. Someone planted four little evergreens at Amy’s tree, which are just beautiful and green all the time. The Willinghams donated a plaque with her name, dates, and this verse: “…Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me. Do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to people like them.’� Matthew 19:14 This verse means a lot to me because I picture Jesus, opening His arms, lifting Amy Jo up and cradling her, as if protecting her from tears and pain and hurt that she would only have here on earth. He fills her with even more joy than she showed us here on earth. I changed flowers out according to the season. Christmas 2003, I put jingle bells in the tree and poinsettias under the tree, so that when the wind blew, I would hear those bells and think about Amy’s first Christmas in Heaven (see poem to follow). I still go back and change out flowers at her tree. I use silk so that no one will see dead flowers representing such a beautiful little angel’s life.

In November 2004, we made the decision to move to East Texas. While searching information about churches, on a lead from our pastor, we found Grace Community Church. I researched their website before we moved and found a curious link, Glory Babies. This of course is the title to a song by Watermark that a friend had given us for comfort after Amy Jo died. Glory Babies is a Christ-centered support group for anyone that has been affected by the death of an infant, a miscarriage, or a pregnancy loss. It got better, because there in front of me was a way to get involved in helping others heal from the loss of an infant. Jim and I attended the first meeting, as soon as we could, and immediately got plugged in. We were excited to become part of this awesome ministry helping others in the name of Jesus. Wow, God’s timing is His and His alone, isn’t it? He wanted us here in Glory Babies, not in some “sadness group� in Austin. He knew exactly what He wanted to do with us all along. Although, I miss our old church, my friends and family, and being able to see Amy’s tree every week, I know that God has brought me here as part of my journey. What an adventure He takes us on!



I am blessed to have Nikolus, 2/12/96 and now, Jacob Cole, 10/28/04, with me to be able to guide and teach and love.



This is a poem I wrote 2 days after she died to this earth and was born into Heaven…



BLESSED LITTLE ANGEL,

AMY JO JOHNSON



Blessed little angel

Sent from above

To enter our lives

Kasey Lee Thomas was born on July 2, 2004 at 4:31 p.m. after only six hours of induced labor and three pushes. He was absolutely beautiful! He had a ton of black hair and was just perfect. He weighted 6 lbs. 8 oz. and was 21 inches long. My doctor put him on my belly and I watched him move and cry. My husband and I were overwhelmed with joy – he was finally here! His apgar scores were normal – an 8 at one minute and a 9 at five minutes.

One thing we thought was odd was that the doctor did not offer for my husband to cut the umbilical cord like he did for our other son five years earlier. Then the doctor mentioned that he had a “cone head�, which did not “match� the quick delivery. A few minutes later our world fell apart.

The nurses had Kasey in the warmer and were doing all the routine checks on him. Then all of a sudden Kasey became unstable, blood pressure dropping and the nurses having to bag him. He was rushed out of the room. We never heard him cry again.

It was an hour and a half before a doctor came to talk to my husband and me. I look back now and do not know how we waited and did not track someone down. The only thing that can explain it is shock.

The doctor told us that Kasey had a subgaleal hemorrhage and was in critical condition. He explained that a subgaleal hemorrhage is a bleed in the head between the scalp and skull. That part of the head can hold a vast amount of blood. It was explained to us that this type of hemorrhage is extremely rare and usually occurs when suctioning or forceps are used – which was not the case. It was also explained that usually a baby will clot and the bleed will stop at some point, but for some reason Kasey was not clotting. Our family does not have any history of any bleeding disorders, so we could not understand what was happening.

The doctor said they needed to start a blood transfusion immediately and that Kasey would have to be transported to Children’s Hospital. Our relatives later told us that as soon as we signed the forms for the transfusion that the medical staff sprinted down the hallway to Kasey.

About an hour and a half later they brought Kasey to our room so our family and my husband and I could see him before he was transported to the other hospital. They let my husband and I each hold him for a split second and then he was gone. Kasey was not moving and there was no reaction from him. What was happening? We had just given birth and our son was supposed to be healthy!

My husband was torn – he wanted to be with me, but also knew Kasey needed him more. So, the family was split – some went with my husband and some stayed with me. We communicated as much as we could that night with no good news – it was awful – the longest night of our lives!

The doctors were not able to get the bleeding to stop until morning. I was released that morning and went straight to Children’s Hospital. To this day I do not remember much of that day – I know my body was in shock and trying to protect me. I do remember seeing Kasey when I got there and just about fell to the floor. His poor little head was so big. His head was so big that the top of his ears were folded forward. His forehead and sides of his face were purple from all the bruising. My husband described it well – Kasey’s head and face looked like one of those sports ball Halloween masks where a little face is painted on. Kasey was just a little baby, why was this happening to him?

Kasey was a little fighter and went through so much. It was endless the amount of tests, procedures and surgeries he went through. He surprised the doctors in how he fought and hung on. My husband and I – as well as our families – lived at the hospital. We prayed for a miracle. Kasey had brain damage, as well as damage to the kidneys and liver due to the loss of blood. In the end, Kasey had 45 blood transfusions on top of everything else.

On Sunday, July 25, 2004 we arrived at the NICU early, like we did every morning. For some reason my husband told me on the way in that he did not have a good feeling about the day. He was right. Upon arriving in the NICU the doctors were there to tell us they thought Kasey was in DIC – which meant he was clotting where he should not, but not clotting where he should. They were waiting on test results. We were told if they came back positive, there was nothing more they could do. They could continue to give him transfusions, but it would ultimately prolong his death where he would bleed to death internally. Those were the longest minutes of our lives – just waiting. The test came back that he was in DIC. We were devastated – the word is so inadequate to describe our feelings. How could this happen to our perfect baby boy? He struggled for so long – just fighting to be given a chance and everything was against him. It was not fair! He never got to come home, wear clothes, have a birthday, play with his big brother – we never got to change his diaper!

We had to make a decision on what to do. We could let them continue blood transfusions, which would ultimately mean more suffering for Kasey or make the unselfish decision to let him go. As heart-wrenching as it was, we had to let him go. We spent the next several hours just talking to him and touching him. We tried to soak up everything about him – every toe, finger, his smell …

When we were ready and with him at his bedside he was taken off his life support. I was holding him when they took him off the machines and unhooked all of the tubes. I was finally holding my baby without all of those things. (My husband and I had held him in the NICU only twice each because it was too difficult and dangerous with everything he needed.) It just was not right that finally holding him this way meant the end. My husband carried Kasey out of the NICU and to a room where our family was waiting. Everyone was able to say good bye to our beautiful baby. After only 23 days, our perfect baby boy went to be with the angels. To this day – it all seems so unbelievable. How could this have happened? Kasey did not deserve this.

The weeks and months that followed are all a blur. If it would not have been for the overwhelming support of family, friends and co-workers, we would not have made it. I still do not know how we have and continue to struggle on a daily basis.

We had to find a way to function – after all we had a 5 year old boy at home who was heartbroken and needed us. My husband and I both eventually went back to work. It was so hard, we were suppose to go back to work with wonderful pictures and cute baby stories and stories of night-time feedings. Instead we were in a daze – going back to work as if our lives were the same as before Kasey was born. I will never forget the looks on peoples’ faces – they did not have to say a word – their faces were full of pity. It was awful – those looks and the silence – no one knew what to say. You could tell people were afraid to say Kasey’s name. So, still having to be strong, I would break the silence and say his name. I wanted to talk about every minute of his precious life – I wanted people to hear about my son - even though he was so tiny and fragile – I wanted them to know how brave and strong he was. My husband and I are proud to be his parents!

Somehow we managed to make it through fall. I think we gained strength along the way listening to stories from our family and friends of how Kasey had changed their lives forever. When Kasey passed away we could not make any sense of it. I had always believed in the saying “that everything happens for a reason� – but I just could not ever believe in that again. What reason could anyone ever give us to justify Kasey’s death? We still struggle with it.

In hearing everyone’s thoughts and feelings we slowly began to see why Kasey was put on this earth – even for a short time. He impacted more people in his 23 days of life than most people will in a lifetime.

My husband and I said leaving the hospital after Kasey’s death that we would not have any more kids. We always said we would have two and we did. We just could not imagine having another baby after losing Kasey.

Over time we changed our minds. We knew in our hearts that Kasey would want us to be happy and would look over another pregnancy and protect us and another baby. After all, we had our own angel watching over us.

In December we decided to try again. What a scary decision! Would we get pregnant again? Would everything be okay? Could we emotionally handle it?

By the end of the month, I decided to take a pregnancy test – it was early, but my mind was driving me crazy! We did not think it was possible to be pregnant yet, because I was having problems with my cycle. (That and I had only been off birth control for a month.) I had skipped in October and in a panic called my doctor. I did not want to be pregnant then – I could not handle it. He rushed a blood test and to my relief it was negative. In November I skipped again and the doctor met with me and thought it was due to stress. I skipped in December too. Everyone said it was due to stress. I even went to the family doctor over some stomach issues and was told it was stress-related.

The test I took at the end of December was positive! We were shocked! Another blood test was rushed and it was confirmed – we were pregnant! My doctor wanted to see me right away to do an ultrasound. It turned out I was 14 weeks pregnant! We got pregnant on the pill! The lab test in October was wrong. We could not believe that after all the doctors appointments I had been pregnant the whole time! I felt like “stupid� was written on my forehead! This was my third pregnancy, not my first.

Then panic set in. How could the baby be healthy? I had not lived a healthy life style those 14 weeks. We were on pins and needles until the first appointment with the high risk doctor and a level 2 ultrasound. To our relief, the baby was healthy and fine.

It took awhile for everything to set in – it was all happening so fast. My high risk doctor was absolutely wonderful through the whole pregnancy. He did everything he could to calm our fears and reassure us every step of the way.

To make the whole thing even more mind-blowing was that my due date was only one day different from Kasey’s! A c-section was scheduled ten days early. My doctor did not want to take any chances with any pressure on the baby’s head.

Our beautiful - and healthy – baby boy – Corey Lee Thomas was born June 27, 2005. We were amazed how perfect and healthy he was. The pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster and we felt like we would fall off every second of the way, but in the end it was worth it.

Corey will never take Kasey’s place, but he sure has helped us tremendously. When he gets older he will hear how he helped save our lives – in more ways than one.

We know our beautiful Angel Kasey gave us Corey – he was making sure of it before we even knew we were ready. We know our angel is watching over us and with us every day.

Our precious Kasey … once again changing our lives and impacting so many people. What an awesome and inspiring soul to everyone. One can only hope to inspire and be the person he was – even if it was for only 23 days.

Written in loving memory of Kasey Lee Thomas by mommy, daddy, big brother Riley and little brother Corey. We love you Kasey and can’t wait to hold you in heaven.